Hello dear Utopia Italia subscribers!
Most of you know that it has long been my dream to write a book. Well, several books, but that’s besides the point. Today, I stand before you on top of a mountain of a several hundred thousand words graveyard to announce that I’ve finally done it!
I recently finished the second draft of my book entitled— well, take a look for yourself:
In the book, I share lessons learned and advice hard won from that time when Adam and I decided that getting hitched and then moving across the globe right before the second wave of a global pandemic was a good idea. I like to think it’s useful, and I hope it’s also amusing!
I’m aiming for it to be released as both an ebook and audiobook by the end of November and will send another newsletter when it’s available. In the meantime, you can follow along at the instagram or check out the website!
It’s not an exaggeration to say that book wouldn’t exist without this newsletter, which helped me discover my love of writing non-fiction. So THANK YOU for your continuous support of me and all of my little projects. Please feel free to forward this to anyone you think would appreciate it!
I’ve included a sample chapter below. I hope you enjoy it!
Accept the Days of Defeat (Or, I Can Love It And Hate It At The Same Time)
There are days when, despite the lure of the sunny piazzas and the creamy cappuccinos and the soul-lifting facades, I don’t leave our apartment and refuse to pick up my phone for any unknown number.
Obviously, this is something of a luxury because I work from home, but I think everyone– living abroad or not– can relate to this feeling: of having had enough and wanting to burrow deep into blankets and books and cats and pretend absolute invulnerability to the influences of the outside world.
I call these Days of Defeat, and they are surprisingly hard to talk about.
Why, you might ask? While it might seem like such a universal experience could easily be shared and discussed, it’s not that simple.
When you move abroad, your friends split into two categories: the ones who live in your new home and the ones who don’t.
For the ones who don’t, whom you’ve perhaps left behind in your home country, it can be absolutely inconceivable to spend a single day not basking in the glory of your adopted country. Remember those cappuccinos I mentioned? They actually really are that good, so if your distant friends have never themselves lived– not traveled, lived– in a foreign country, they may not exactly be open to hearing about how hard it is for you, what with the abundance of cheap, high quality wine, easy access to magnificent works of art, or the ability to hop on a train and be in Paris in six hours for twenty bucks. So when you need to vent, they’re out.
For the friends who are living near you, these can be further divided into two categories: people who are also expats or immigrants and people who are from the place where you are currently living. The former might be your best bet for expressing your difficult moments, though be careful not to turn it into a habit. Misery usually just begets more misery, and there’s a difference between a healthy vent and destructive spiraling.
Unfortunately, friends who are from your new country can also be a challenging audience for your woes: after all, your adoptive country is their home country, and blows feel harder when aimed closer to the chest. Or in the immortal words of Viserys Targaryen from House of the Dragon, “I will speak of my brother as I wish. You will not.” Many immigrants and expats are met with a cold, “if you don’t like it, you can go back home” when they express anger or frustration, which is both alienating and unhelpful (especially if you are an immigrant who is unable to return to your home country).
Without being able to talk about it, without the support of friends… it’s pretty easy to start to feel guilty or even ashamed when you’re unhappy in a new place. It becomes a pretty slippery slope down to a pretty self-deprecating and miserable place.
So I’m here to confirm the following for you:
It is perfectly 100% natural and expected to experience frustration and anger with parts of your new home, and it doesn’t make you an ungrateful or ignorant person to feel those feelings.
Is it healthy to feel them all of the time? No, and you might need to seek out regular outlets for your feelings like therapy or a support group if you’re constantly miserable most of the time. But if you’re just simply feeling particularly grumpy one day? I’ve gotcha covered: take a Day of Defeat.
Take that day “off” of your adoptive country to the extent that you possibly can. Stay in your home, or go to a park alone.
What does this have to do with relationships? Well, if you’re lucky enough to be on your bananas expat journey with a partner, it means that they can help you– or you can help them– when you’re having a Day of Defeat. What this entails:
The Defeated Partner gets a pass on answering the doorbell for the day. I can’t tell you how often I’ve had days when I’ve straight up ignored the doorbell because I just couldn’t deal with the idea of picking up the receiver to ask, “Chi e?”
Understand that the Defeated Partner may not be answering their phone. If the Defeated Partner is expecting an important call, answer their phone for them and try to handle the situation.
The Defeated Partner is not expected to engage in their non-native language, even if it’s the language you usually use at home (this is especially important for couples where one is from the adoptive country).
This means no errands, either. No asking them to run to the grocery store or enoteca. It doesn’t matter how small it seems, sometimes engaging with the super nice checkout lady is just too much. OTA.
The Defeated Partner is exempt from any shaming or guilting: no snide questions about their canceled language lesson, no insistence that ‘only practice will help’ (we know!), no wondering aloud when that piece of bureaucratic nonsense will finally be dealt with.
Encourage the Defeated Partner to watch or read something comforting for them. Maybe something from their home country.
The Defeated Partner is to receive lots of hugs, if that’s their thing.
And if you’re both having a Day of Defeat… divide, conquer, and try to laugh & support each other. To quote Scarlett O’Hara– “After all, tomorrow is another day.”
Thanks for reading! La Coppia Utopia: Tactical Advice for Expat Marriage will be available for ebook or audiobook purchase by the end of November, 2022. If you enjoyed this and know someone who you think would benefit from it, please feel free to forward it along!
best,
ashlinn
La Coppia Utopia*